Todays Family Humor

My son calls me today. A little short of breath, calm but I knew something was definitely wrong by the tone in his voice.

He tells me or at-least what "I" heard was that he believes there is a fire at his apartment. It's hot and the lights are all out. He's trying to find his shoes in the dark and the smoke is getting worse. He questions if he should bang and doors and help evacuate. I can hear him fumbling around and I can tell the smoke is getting to him. I tell him just get out and I'm on my way.

I proceed to attempt to call my husband at work as I'm racing out the door in such a hurry I lock myself out of the house and am now banging on the door trying to get my daughters attention. With keys now in hand I'm blazing down the road while once again calling husband. This time I call his work rather than cell. After leaving a message i continue on both hands on the wheel, tunnel visioned and imagining what I'm going to arrive to.

As I reach my destination just a couple minutes away I'm surprised to not see flames. I do see fire trucks and squad cars. There are people standing outside as firemen are all around. I hear more trucks coming as I cautiously look for my son. Not finding him anywhere and now in a panic I attempt to call his cell only to get voice mail. I immediately call back and am relieved but very confused when he answers from his apartment.

I try to put the pieces together as he tells me the firemen wanted him to stay. Confused, I ask why? He tells me it's his apartment! I question why someone else was evacuating him then? He says I heard him wrong. He was wondering if he should evacuate people. As he continues on I learn a spatula has fallen out in the bottom of the dishwasher which tripped the circuit turning off all power. The apartment is full of smoke and the officer had called for back up. Even the apartment manager and police didn't recognize it was in the dishwasher.

Now almost in tears I can't control my laughter as I hear a "thanks mom, you would laugh" on the other end of the line. By now the firemen next to him also chuckles.

My son says this is the most embarrassing day of his life. I add, well it could have been worse. You could have evacuated the building. We all got a good laugh at his expense.

Freezing your butt off

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment.... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

My Life as a Caregiver (a bit crazy I know)

6:30am  My cell phone lay next to me buzzing like crazy. All I want to do is stay in bed. This not being an option, I automatically go on auto-pilot. I fight to open an eye as I locate my facebook app on the almighty Iphone. (My lifesaver by the way) Barely making out whats infront of me while rubbing my eyes I attempt to make out the words. I NEED to know upon waking all thats happened in the 6 hours I've been away from it. While stumbling to the bathroom I manage to check my blog for any existance of new members. An exciting morning ritual thats slowly growing. Next I slowly, yet reluctantly, move towards our 5 year olds room. I've learned this must be accomplished with extreme caution and near CIA fashion. I test the waters by turning on her light. As if preparing for battle, I softly wisper her name. Steadily, yet swiftly, I move in closer. Knowing time is of essence, I know what I must do. As I draw closer I prepare for what surely will become the next greatest civil war. In hopes of reaching the enemy by suprise I plan to ambush her. Again, I repeat her name. This time with more authority while trying to remain calm. She explodes like a grenade pushing me back to the door. Its on.... while she may be small and fast I have years of experience and determination on my side. I go back in for hand to hand combat and acomplish the master plan which is getting her butt out of bed and ready for kindergarden. At precisely 7:30am we are out the door and on our way. Upon dropping my little princess off I must rush home for what will soon be my next mission.
Reaching the driveway I take a deep breath. I must be alert at all times for now I am dealing with a little more experience. At 18 years old, this one knows EVERYTHING! She's a mother for god sakes! Standing in the doorway I spot her. (And shes armed with the baby!) I smile. She instantly dashes out mumbling something about the time. Of course I'm aware of the time. I decide the only way I'm going to make it out alive is to drop off the oldest first. The wee one isn't a issue. I immediately turn up the radio and stare stright ahead. The goal is to at all cost avoid eye contact. I see her out of the corner of my eye texting on her phone. I make the mistake by letting my guard down and in an instant its Drama 101. I try to change course but its to late. This child has had 18 years of speaking abilities and several years of auctioneering apparently. I start to feel as though Im in a Charlie Brown cartoon when I see our destination approaching. Thank God for high school. I pull up to the door as I drop her off and like the dukes of hazard pull out before the next car tries to pass. Its like Nascar racing as I leave this hick school. I cant help feel joy as I know its going to be a peaceful ride from here on out.
Heading down the road I find myself eager and suddenly recharged as I sing some new country song when  I hear the start of whinning. While checking my rear view mirror I see what I call the "stink eye" directed towards me. Thank heavens were pulling into the parking lot. I've managed to avoid conflict with this one.
After dropping off the one year old I leave slowly and head to where I will remain most of the day.
I arive at moms whome I've taken care of since her cancer diagnosis this past March. Walking in I overhear her on the phone. I stop and I listen. My God I've just walked in to the BIG CATS house. I grit my teeth and prepare to defend as I relize theres nowhere to hide. Thankfully she gets off the phone and I see a smile. Yes. Defeat at last. We spend the day cleaning, baking, running erronds and talking. A few phone calls but other than that pretty low key. 2:00pm Time to pick up my princess. I await the long line at school before rushing back to moms where we spend the rest of the afternoon ice skating. We arive home at 4:30pm in time to make supper and start on homework. My knight arives at 5 with the wee one. I finish up making supper. The 18 year old is at work so I'm babysitting too. A phone call from my daughter-in-law checking on my blog and a quick chat with another grand daughter as Im setting the table. My husband is cranky that Im on the phone. Hes hungry and asks what I did all day? Sarcastically and boldly I say "NOTHING"! "Nothing at all"! As I put the baby in the high chair my phone once again is ringing. This time its my daughter. The older one. Now she is 22 and this is precisely where our 18 year old learned all her skills. As she rambles along; I attempt to eat dinner. Meanwhile, my husband and little princess interupt me every 5 seconds. I finally get off the phone and enjoy my meal with the family. While clearing the dishes another child rushes through the front door with his girlfriend. I believe they must have ran down the steps as it sounds like a bulldozer has just went through the side of my house. Not to worry though, its just someones head. There wrestling Im told. I shake my head and fall over the dog while trying to run for cover. I reach the top of the stairs when sarge yells for a towel. Apparently, he's already bathing. After running up and down the steps a few times; I arive just in time for the phone. Its my daughter again. She remembered why she called.....bla bla bla somemore. I finish the dishes. Get the little ones playing, and run back down to check laundry. From below, I hear my brother-in-law, who is currently spending some time with us. My heart skips a beat. I think its the 18 year old. As she gets baby ready for bed I try to hide but the dog gives me up. The princess is off doing her own thing. Just when I think I might have time to write on my blog; Im informed I need to run to the store. With homework and cleaning done I spend some quality time playing with the kids before reading a bedtime story, and getting them cleaned up. The phone has only interupted me 2 more times. Once from my daughter. The other my mom. Now 10pm I sit down to watch some tv when a small voice from the bedroom wants a drink and another story. I lay with her a bit until the oldest son calls. He questions what Im up to and tell me about his day. I get off in time to hear my brother-in-law say goodnihjt to sarge as I sneak down to my computer in the basement. I hear the door slam before I relize the other son has just left. Quiet at last. Some time for me. I stay up until midnight when I fall into bed and relize theres a 5 year old and full size dog in my bed. I know better. I slowly walk to her room. I crawl into her bed and turn on the tv. Good night atlast.