Friday, March 18, 2011

After all the milestones...The hurt Moms don't talk about

Although I'm still new to the blog world a lot of the blogs I follow are new moms or issues that really interest me. To be honest, most of the blogs I read can all be classified as proud moms and the milestones their children are reaching.

I started this blog as a support system for other grandparents or family members who have adopted their grandchildren. A way to express how honored I feel and a second chance on life. Being 44 years old and raising another child. Life through my eyes. I never expected I would touch on other issues, yet I have.

What I haven't read anywhere is the hurt and despair a mom can feel beyond the milestones and into adulthood. The loneliness and loss parents feel as their children get older and move on. Heartache that doesn't seem to fade.

Having 4 children in 5 years was wonderful when they were little. They were best friends and playmates. We lived in the country and they had a close bond. One by one as they started school new friendships were introduced along with all the many activities they were involved with. We didn't always have a lot of money but I would like to say we were a close family and did everything with our children and for our children. My husband is my rock. He's not the birth father of any of the children. Having said that you would never know. He loves them more than life itself and it shows.  Rarely did we ever go anywhere without them. Our Anniversaries were even celebrated with our kids. Financially we had many great years and as well as hard times. We always tried not to let that effect our children. They always had the best of everything. The newest gadgets. The latest toys. All the newest fashions. Family vacations and even the many years at the lake.

So looking back, where did we went wrong? One by one they grow up and move on. You can about imagine how hard it can be to loose 4 children in less than 4 years. The first one was the hardest. I cried for a month. I knew in my heart this day would come and I knew he was a very responsible adult. After all, I raised him to be. So a year later when our daughter neared 18 I knew it was a matter of time. I literally made myself sick worrying about her leaving as she would be leaving along with our granddaughter. It was like loosing 2 children at the same time. So a few months later when she moved home and we later adopted the baby we joked about me going through the empty nest syndrome. A year later of course, came our youngest son. I should have been used to this by now. But I've learned it really doesn't get any easier. In fact, it gets quieter and lonelier. So here we are once again faced with the forth child, now 18 and ready to spread her wings. Again, we will be loosing not only our daughter but a granddaughter. The idea of not seeing them every day tears my heart in two. Soon enough it will just be the three of us. My husband, myself and our youngest. (Age 5) The house seems so quiet already. Its sad and lonely. Even though I know they will all be ok, I worry. And yes I miss them all.  Somewhere along the road they all grew up way too fast. This 4 bedroom home that once seemed so small is suddenly feeling too large. Time will tell.

The biggest heartache a Mom will ever know is a dispute with a child. A few days ago one of my daughters said some things that broke my heart. I noticed she has been short with me for awhile. In her eyes, we are the worst parents ever and she told me she couldn't wait until she had "gotten out of this hell hole!" Being the kind of parent I am I could have died a thousand deaths. My family and my kids are my life. To have a child say that  is something that will drive a knife through your heart. Whether she made this statement out of anger or not is now something I hold with me. I can forgive but it deeply saddens me that she feel so strongly about her life. I gave everything I had to give. Most importantly, I did the best I could. I made my children #1. I gave up my life for them. Yet apparently, it wasn't enough. Where did we go wrong?

Why is it that so many children wanted to live here? Why do our children's friends still stop by just to say hi or call and see how were doing? Yet our own child feels this was a hell hole. If we were so terrible why did she choose us to adopt her child? Instead of all the anger that's built up inside; shouldn't she be thankful. Can't a person look at the whole picture? The sacrifices we made for them? The love that we share for a little girl. Instead of her getting mad at the opportunities her child has am I wrong to think she should thank us for that love? We love that little girl so much. She is our daughter. No longer my grandchild. We still involve her in as much as she wants to be involved. She would never had this opportunity if not for us being who we are. If we made mistakes they were honest mistakes. Mistakes out of love. The ones that have made our children capable of surviving in this world today. I would like to think we raised responsible adults.

This hurt is more than a mother should ever bear.



I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this now. I'm a mom of 3 and even though mine are still so young, it breaks my heart to think of them going to kindergarten, or college, or moving out. Unfortunately, like your daughter, I made the same mistake of saying those same words to my parents when I was younger. It was never anything that I meant, I certainly said it out of anger & inability to express how I was feeling. It saddens me now, as a parent, knowing how much my words could have hurt my parents hearts.

We all say things that we don't mean, unfortunately. It seems that you give your children a lot. I'm sure your daughter didn't mean what she said. I'm sure it could be traced back to anger, frustration, and most likely not even what you did or said.

Hang in there, it will get better!


I am so very sorry your heart is aching so.


God bless you -- hang in there!

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