Would You Know

It's just after noon when I walk into my parents apartment, just as I've done nearlyeveryday this summer since returning to school. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed as I am preparing for finals. I question why I am even doing this, while caring for Mom. She sits near the edge of the couch appearing pale and clammy. She looks tired and exhausted but then again, so am I. Mom just went through another round of chemo and this round seems to have beaten her down. I walk in and sit down beside her. The past two days have brought dehydration. Im concerned and feeling frustrated since she's not eating or drinking. It only takes me a few moments and its apparent... she;s still dehydrated. I don't waste any time and immediately pick up the phone and call the cancer center. Where, for the first time in three years I suggest we hospitalize.  Moms face is blank as she seems to stare deep in thought right past me. Mom, typically strong and courageous, appears frail, weak and withdrawn. Would you know if  your mother was dying? 

Upon arriving at the hospital the nurse offers a wheel chair and a private waiting room. The area is just off the emergency room. I find it unbelievable that we are forced to wait six long hours to get into a room.None the less, we must wait to be seen just like everyone else. Mom can barely hold her head up as we sit in silence. Mom in the wheel chair, myself on a love seat beside her. I am saddened as she sleeps slumped over in her chair. While Mom drifts in and out of a deep sleep I play games on my cell phone and catch up on Facebook. I am convinced she will be hospitalized a day or two and everything will be fine. 

After being admitted and placed in a room I go home, satisfied and unaware. Over the course of the next twenty four hours Moms condition worsens. A call from the hospital confirms dehydration and pnemonia. I hear mom calling out my name and crying for me in the background. I tell the nurse Im on my way.  

At the hospital, I am informed mom has a blockage and cannot have any fluids. Mom begs me for even an ice chip. My heart skips a beat as I must decline her commands. I attempt to sleep on the couch next to her hospital bed. The room is cold and the cries keep me up. Scared and not sure how to help her, I speak to a nurse several times. I consider sneaking mom even just a few ice chips. However, I fear I could make her worse. I quietly lay back down, despite my mothers pleas for ice. I lie staring at her in bed, the bink of the monitor, the drips as they pool into her IV and I question why the catheter bag remains empty. I listen carefully as I hear the echo of the blood pressure cuff and the occasional laughter coming from the halls. As the oxometer sounds I can't wait to go home. I'm so tired.   

A couple days have passed. It feels as though we've been in this room a month. Yet its been but a few days. Mom has not been awake in two days. Mom has started to spit up black tar. dad and I come and go. The nurces assuring us she will be home in a day or two. I learned today there was never a blockage. The nurses had read the chart wrong. I feel as though I was mislead and have failed my mother. Something is wrong. I can feel it. Yet, Dad and I are told its just the effects of her pain medicine. I am so scared. 

Today I presented my final power point for my gerontology class. It was on death and dying. I can't believe I got an A. I'm so excited to tell mom. My mom worked in nurse education and she will be so proud of me. I rush to the hospital but she seems like shes in a coma. She moans and groans and the tar is all over her face. I'm so happy Dad is with me. I am so scared shes going to die. One by one my grown children come to visit. What a wonderful evening. I almost feel foolish. Mom is awake and doing well. The kids are terribly saddened and that brakes my heart as well. The mood is as if everyone, including her, is saying goodbye.   I don't understand. Mom is now getting better. We laugh and talk, yet there is this deep sadness. After the kids leave, I grab her camcorder and start to record. She is giving her final goodbyes. I am deeply saddened and feel as though Mom is giving up. I feel terrible as I ask Mom what her wishes would be if her heart would stop. After a long pause she quietly requests paperwork and a DNR is signed. I really don't want to think these doctors and nurses are making her sicker. I file a complaint and demand a staff meeting. Its scheduled tomorrow at 1:00am.  

Today the doctors suggested hospice. Mom and I always knew this day would come. They've given her six months to live. I tried to talk with Mom after the meeting but she is tired. She looks so sad and I feel empty inside. What will I do one day without my Mom? I voice my opinion and argue with the hospice team. I do not want this! They can not take away her diabetic pump! I silently begin to pray. 

Mom is once again sleeping. She hasn't been awake since our meeting. As I sit in the darkened room my mind wonders. Tomorrow is my last final. I attempt to read once again on death and dying. Suddenly it hits me. Mom is dying!  I wake Dad who is cat napping. Anxious and frightened I begin to outline the past couple months speaking to my Dad while trying to convince myself. The words come out easily but my heart can not begin t grasp the reality. I beg the nurses for some truth but no one will answer me. My cries are not heard. I feel as if they are all lying to me. 

Today is day eight since we arrived at the hospital. Moms kidneys are shutting down. They've asked me whether or not to proceed with dialysis. In my heart I want to say yes. However, I know how mom felt about this and I must honor her wishes. The single, most difficult answer I've ever had to give is saying no. I know what this will now bring. This would not be happening if they would have read her charts correctly. They should have never with held fluids. I should have gave her the ice chips she demanded and begged for!   

We are moving mom to Quiet Oaks Hospice House. I gave my last power point and rushed back to the hospital to move her. Mom is still in a deep sleep and gasping for air. She is agitated and fighting. I cannot take this black tar she is constantly gagging on anymore. Finally, the van arrives to move her. 

11:00am and the sun is shining. 

Quiet Oaks is beautiful. Mom has settled in. We have moved to comfort cares only . No more IV, no more diabetic pump. Mom is resting. The house is filled with aromas of cookies and the birds are singing outside her private window. Music softly plays in moms private room. If only mom could see this. I am no longer moms caregiver. I am only moms daughter. 

August 3rd, 2012 its 9:30 at night. I step outside for a cigarette with family. Mom looks so peaceful. I look forward to staying over night tonight. I am sure this will be my last night with mom but I try not to think about it. I come back in to my six year old crying. A heart stopped beating. Mom has gone to heaven. 

Love is....

Just had to share.

A day in the life of a cancer survivor

It's Thursday morning and that means it's back to the cancer center. We've spent nearly the past year and a half here every Thursday. It's a pretty typical day with lab work starting at 9am followed by a visit with the cancer doc before heading off for chemo. As I sit in this small 8x10 room separated nearly by a curtain I watch as nurses and numerous volunteers hustle by. I recognize many familiar faces. Some have also been here awhile others I can tell are new. I've learned to differentiate by the look of the unknown on their faces as well as pain and sorrow in their eyes. I am only grateful for the wonderful care team who is always eager to please and make each person feel cared for and important.

As my eyes glance around our room my mother naps in her recliner; wrapped up cozy beneath 2 cotton warmed Blankies. Her IV cocktail is the usual combination of chemo & magnesium. her NASCAR is on. A repeat of the past weekend events which she thoroughly enjoyed being a part of.

Yes, my mother is a survivor! I am so proud of her compassion for others, her will to fight and the strength she continues to move forward.

Trip to Kansas City Casino 400

Most of my followers are aware my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer a little over a year ago. That being said anyone that knows her knows she is a NASCAR fanatic and Tony Stewart is her driver! I am happy to announce that she did infect leave for Kansas city today and both her and my dad are having a good time. They haven't taken a vacation in 30 years so this is a long time coming. They made it safe and sound and I'm hoping it is everything she ever dreamed of and more. I'm also hoping the two of them will just have some much needed time away and time together without all the stress that goes along with life and this past year.
Love ya mom and dad! Now relax, put down the phone and enjoy each others company.

The Bucket List

It's truly been a long and exhausting day. After rushing home from caring for mom I barely had time to grab food on the go before my service unit meeting for girl scouts. Yes, once again I'm a troop leader and although my days are filled I look forward to this journey with my 6 year old!

Shifting gears I wanted to share with my followers my moms current status with the stage 4 ovarian cancer. As most of you are aware she is out of remission. This means we are once again going through chemo therapy. Unfortunately, she is now allergic to the carboplatins which really limits available treatments. We were recently given some devastating news when the cancer doc informed us this is terminal with no future hope for further remissions. As you can imagine, this initially hit my mom like a ton of bricks and dropped me to my knees. We both had some high expectations and were truly not prepared for the news received. I immediately along with my husband, made the decision to make her dream of a NASCAR race a reality. I went online and purchased her and my dad tickets for both Saturday and Sunday races at Kansas city this weekend. God was with me when I was able to purchase front row isle seats on turn 1 for both days along with pit passes and a meet and greet before the race. We are hoping for a miracle meeting with Tony Stewart her number one and only driver for several years but as of now they can't guarantee it with all the days events and track promotions. As you can imagine she is dancing on a cloud right now and can't wait for the rumble of the cars live where she will experience a dream come true. Here she is in her racing coat and her truck gassed, packet and ready to go! Let's go racing!!!

If I only had enough time for a break down....

Not a very good day and my stress level is on the brink of god only knows what? Today is round 2 of chemo for Mom and I love hearing those CA 125 numbers go down. However, that wasn't the case today. The cancer doc had some bad news as her markers painted a different picture than our last victory lap. Although the markers doubled, rather than trippled like last time it was disheartening to hear. To make matters worse after receiving her chemo coctail she developed an alergic reaction to the carboplatin used in the chemo. Although this is common in chemo therapies it does now limit the medications that can be tried here-on. While I attempted to get my second wind, time proved it doesn't stand still. As I waited on the bleachers for Lexi to finish swim lessons; I was making decissions on a gas leak at our new camper, getting the latest hospital updates on my grand-daughter, talking to the county on a potential foster child, and somehow managing to answer the fury of calls that were coming into my phone from all the kids. I've come to the conclusion that I think God is trying to tell me something and its a good thing I'm too busy to have a break down.

What is hair anyway?

Why is it in society we put so much thought or care into ones hair? We color it. We straighten it. Curl it. Spend hours styling and maintaining it.
Earlier today my daughter-in-law straightened my 3 year old granddaughters tight and beautiful ringlet curls. Although it was cute and done in fun my granddaughter was sad. She didn't recognize herself and neither did we. We've all grown accustomed to her beautiful curls.
Later on my mother was crying as she noticed her hair was once again falling out after just her first round of chemo. Just recently she'd started hair growth after going into a 9 month remission from the last time. Now to me she's just as beautiful as ever. I'm just thankful she's feeling well and we pray for her to beat this again. With or without hair. But she is devastated as you can imagine.
So why do we put so much emphasis on how we look? What really should matter is a persons attitude. Who they are. What we become. How we treat others. Beauty is only skin deep. With or without hair. Curls or straight...
I love them just the same.

The Journey...Ovarian Cancer and the Fight to Live

I often speak about my family and special moments in my life. This week even I'm living on the edge. My already crazy life is somewhere between my norm and loosing my mind. So many life changes are occurring so swiftly I cant catch my breath and time stands still for no one. To be honest, I think about my blog daily but I cant find a moment of time to put down the racing thoughts which speed through my mind.

Yesterday at a routine appointment with my Mom. My suspicions were confirmed. Her ovarian cancer is once again bearing its ugly teeth. The doctor informs us its stage 4 and because she was in remission for 7 months its now considered chronic. My mom is an extremely strong person. Stubborn and bullheaded and does not give up the fight easily. However, when the doctor said this is the way its going to go now. Chemo, chemo, chemo until she looses the fight. I completely fell apart!

Ive decided to start a documentary on our journey through cancer and this battle together. She and I and my 5 year old have done it all the past year. So this time, video camera in hand, we will go everywhere. Its unfortunate we've already had problems with the camera but I will be using a different one and hope to educate the public as well as leave something behind for our children and grandchildren. A time capsule of moms memories as told by her.

I am concerned about my 5 year old and how she will handle all this. I plan to be honest and upfront.  I pray with all my heart and soul for my mother. I know she can beat this or give it a heck of a battle. I ask all my friends, family, and followers to pray for her and give her the strength to once again beat the odds on this horrific illness.

Please follow my family and offer any words of encouragement or advice you may have. We learn in life through one another.