READY SET DONT GO

It seems like yesterday my oldest two kids were moving out of the house. I actually was extremely depressed. It was worse then any empty nest syndrome Id ever heard of. These kids were my life! If I had it my way wed all live like the Walton's for pete-sakes happily ever after. Lucky for me shortly after they moved out they both came home. Call it an adjustment period I got lucky to prepare. My poor kids must have thought I lost my mind as I just wanted to hang out all the time. What I really needed was them to be little again.

By the time the younger 2 moved out I was more prepared for the changes I would again endure. The fact were still raising our 6 year old helps alot. That poor child will never get rid of me. In fact, my grand kids are doomed.

None the less, as my 17 year old daughter was nearing her 18th birthday Miley Cyrus came out with the song "Ready Set, Don't Go". I think I cried my eyes out many times as I listened to that song and certainly its been fitting many times with my children looking back. After all, the best compliment a mother can receive from her child is the ability to fly solo. I had done my best in raising them to be responsible well rounded children. Even though I needed them and I didn't want things to change I knew in my heart they were ready. Not that by any means I had a choice; but I had to let them go.

Moving fast forward, amongst all my fears and tears I'm faced with yet another challenge. This time its not just about me. This time my older daughter came to me and informed me she's highly considering moving out of state! EEEEK!!! I know what your all thinking but I have a bigger challenge than how will this affect me. As the words came out of my daughters mouth I completely understood where she was coming from. After all, she gave us the greatest gift of all. She gave my husband and I a child. Wasn't she suppose to move on with her life too? I understood. It wouldn't be fair of me to hold her back. Her fiance is working there and the two of them have been living apart the past few months. I found myself once again listening to my trusty "Ready set, don't go". The problem is do I support my daughter or beg her to stay? Like the song says, shes waiting on my blessings for she hits that open road....

I'm worried that in her leaving it will deeply affect my youngest daughter. (Her birth child). What affects could this pose for her? How will she feel? Some things are once again going to need to be addressed and my thoughts are that this time we will need to seek the advice of a professional. We haven't said anything at this point as its not set in stone. My heart is already aching to even think of the pain this could cause. One thing is for sure.... things will never be the same and I'm not ready.

this is where I want to but I wont get in her way, of her and her dreams, and spreading her wings....

After all the milestones...The hurt Moms don't talk about

Although I'm still new to the blog world a lot of the blogs I follow are new moms or issues that really interest me. To be honest, most of the blogs I read can all be classified as proud moms and the milestones their children are reaching.

I started this blog as a support system for other grandparents or family members who have adopted their grandchildren. A way to express how honored I feel and a second chance on life. Being 44 years old and raising another child. Life through my eyes. I never expected I would touch on other issues, yet I have.

What I haven't read anywhere is the hurt and despair a mom can feel beyond the milestones and into adulthood. The loneliness and loss parents feel as their children get older and move on. Heartache that doesn't seem to fade.

Having 4 children in 5 years was wonderful when they were little. They were best friends and playmates. We lived in the country and they had a close bond. One by one as they started school new friendships were introduced along with all the many activities they were involved with. We didn't always have a lot of money but I would like to say we were a close family and did everything with our children and for our children. My husband is my rock. He's not the birth father of any of the children. Having said that you would never know. He loves them more than life itself and it shows.  Rarely did we ever go anywhere without them. Our Anniversaries were even celebrated with our kids. Financially we had many great years and as well as hard times. We always tried not to let that effect our children. They always had the best of everything. The newest gadgets. The latest toys. All the newest fashions. Family vacations and even the many years at the lake.

So looking back, where did we went wrong? One by one they grow up and move on. You can about imagine how hard it can be to loose 4 children in less than 4 years. The first one was the hardest. I cried for a month. I knew in my heart this day would come and I knew he was a very responsible adult. After all, I raised him to be. So a year later when our daughter neared 18 I knew it was a matter of time. I literally made myself sick worrying about her leaving as she would be leaving along with our granddaughter. It was like loosing 2 children at the same time. So a few months later when she moved home and we later adopted the baby we joked about me going through the empty nest syndrome. A year later of course, came our youngest son. I should have been used to this by now. But I've learned it really doesn't get any easier. In fact, it gets quieter and lonelier. So here we are once again faced with the forth child, now 18 and ready to spread her wings. Again, we will be loosing not only our daughter but a granddaughter. The idea of not seeing them every day tears my heart in two. Soon enough it will just be the three of us. My husband, myself and our youngest. (Age 5) The house seems so quiet already. Its sad and lonely. Even though I know they will all be ok, I worry. And yes I miss them all.  Somewhere along the road they all grew up way too fast. This 4 bedroom home that once seemed so small is suddenly feeling too large. Time will tell.

The biggest heartache a Mom will ever know is a dispute with a child. A few days ago one of my daughters said some things that broke my heart. I noticed she has been short with me for awhile. In her eyes, we are the worst parents ever and she told me she couldn't wait until she had "gotten out of this hell hole!" Being the kind of parent I am I could have died a thousand deaths. My family and my kids are my life. To have a child say that  is something that will drive a knife through your heart. Whether she made this statement out of anger or not is now something I hold with me. I can forgive but it deeply saddens me that she feel so strongly about her life. I gave everything I had to give. Most importantly, I did the best I could. I made my children #1. I gave up my life for them. Yet apparently, it wasn't enough. Where did we go wrong?

Why is it that so many children wanted to live here? Why do our children's friends still stop by just to say hi or call and see how were doing? Yet our own child feels this was a hell hole. If we were so terrible why did she choose us to adopt her child? Instead of all the anger that's built up inside; shouldn't she be thankful. Can't a person look at the whole picture? The sacrifices we made for them? The love that we share for a little girl. Instead of her getting mad at the opportunities her child has am I wrong to think she should thank us for that love? We love that little girl so much. She is our daughter. No longer my grandchild. We still involve her in as much as she wants to be involved. She would never had this opportunity if not for us being who we are. If we made mistakes they were honest mistakes. Mistakes out of love. The ones that have made our children capable of surviving in this world today. I would like to think we raised responsible adults.

This hurt is more than a mother should ever bear.