U of M offers new certification program for adoption professionals | Minnesota Public Radio News

November is National Adoption Awareness Month.

U of M offers new certification program for adoption professionals

by Sasha Aslanian, Minnesota Public Radio

November 1, 2011

St. Paul, Minn. — The University of Minnesota's Center for Advanced Studies in Child Welfare and the Department of Human Services Tuesday announced a new certification program to train social workers and mental health experts who work with adoptive families.

Minnesota families adopted 588 children from the state's foster care system last year, and 397 children were adopted internationally.

Department of Human Services Commissioner Lucinda Jesson said the new permanent families were reason for celebration, but the joy and hard work of adoption only starts with that adoption ceremony.

"We have 339 children under state guardianship awaiting adoption now. Many of these are adolescents; they're sibling groups who must be adopted together," said Jesson. "They have a lot of unique needs and that's where this training for the professionals who work with them will help so much."

The state contributed $120,000 in start-up costs for the certification program, which will train 24 people in the Twin Cities and 18 in Duluth this year. The state has designated $57,000 in scholarship funding for the first two years of the program. There are plans to expand to Stearns and Olmstead counties in the future.

Fintan Moore is in the first class to receive the Permanency and Adoption Competency Certificate (PACC). An adoptee himself and the father of an adopted son, Moore said there are too few professionals with the deep knowledge required to assist adoptive families.

"I've sat at tables at park buildings and Lutheran Social Services listening to other adoptive parents who have literally cried in front of me for support, for insight, for respite as they have tried harder and harder to raise children who live every minute of every day with the harsh and lifelong impact of early trauma, early neglect, early maltreatment and abandonment," Moore said.

Adoptive parents will be able to search a database to find professionals who have completed the PACC training.

Joe Kroll with the North American Council on Adoptable Children commended the state and the University for their vision in creating the program.

"[Minnesota] is probably one of the more adoption-friendly states in the country and it's because of the history of the people of Minnesota who have always reached out to folks in need," said Kroll. "A caring people and now we'll get some professionals who can help us through some of the tough times."

Set Expectations with Other Family Members With a Kinship Adoption

For most first time parents its not a question of your ability to raise your own child. However, what happens when you have a child at 17?
Many parents will complain of all the advise they receive as a new parent. Seldom are their rights taken from them by their own family without ever bein given a chance.
Knowing how to care for an infant was something that always came quite natural for my oldest daughter. In fact, she required very little help at home. The first couple weeks went smooth as she did all the cares of her newborn child. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case at just two weeks old when she started to take baby out into the public and around other family.  Not everyone had as much faith in her and the baby's father as we did. At just a few weeks old both my daughter and her boyfriend, the baby's father, were already feeling helpless and overwhelmed.
When baby would cry and the young parents would try to comfort her, someone would take the child out of their arms.  A time that should have been a time for bonding was being taken from them over and over again. It seemed whether it be feedings, naps or even changings, their place was being taken away. The two parents often came to us with frustration. Imagine someone else removing your child's clothes just so they could dress them with clothing they purchased? Nearly daily my daughter would come home crying feeling inadequate. As every first was occurring and holidays came and went the two parents soon became extremely agitated as they had no say. Even buying Christmas and Easter dresses were out of the question. Things like bringing your child to see Santa or the Easter Bunny for the first time. Would you still feel like you were the parent?
At just over one year both parents had all been broken of their abilities and made the toughest decision a parent can ever make.... They asked us to adopt. Our daughter, who still lived at home cried for weeks on end as she conceited to the ground work others had laid out for them. We again tried to reassure them and asked them to give it some time to truly make sure this is what they wanted. Yet time and time again they came back to us with the same question. After several months the 4 of us sought an attorney and finalized the adoption.
Over the past several years I have heard countless remarks from both families and friends questioning how they could remain together and just "give her away" or "hand her over"? Does anyone realize the love and thought process that actually goes into a decision like this? My daughter loved this child more than life itself. Yet they both wanted more for her. Something they just couldn't offer.
Years later, My daughter and her boyfriend are still together. They have been for almost 7 years now. They still know they made the right decision for them and for her.
Being a foster parent Ive cared for many children in my home. Many times I honestly wondered how some of them survived until help arrived. There are plenty of parents, not just teen parents,  who can't even care for themselves. Some think their good parents, others just don't care. Some are abusive or neglectful. Others turn to drugs or alcohol. So why do so many people judge them for their decision? Too many just sit back and pretend everything is ok.
Continuing on...We, my husband and I, love this little girl so much. She is no longer our grandchild but our daughter. I couldn't love her more if I'd given birth to her myself. If we were to have adopted a stranger people wouldn't think twice about it. Yet, for some reason,  people find it necessary to assume we were forced to adopt. For the record, if I could have I would have had 10 children and both my husband and I always wanted more.
Moving along... this is now our child! She has been for many years now. Please quit asking us if we need a break or if we feel stuck at home.  I'm also pretty sure we don't need any ones parenting advice. I not only have a collage education in Human Services but we've raised 4 other grown children whom we're very proud of. Not only did I operate a daycare out of my home for many years but I was dually licensed with the foster care even then. My husband and I served as both Boy Scout and Girl Scout Leaders, attend church, and volunteer as much as possible. Between the two of us we clock over 75 hours of parenting classes a year. For anyone who questions our abilities or our parenting I would love to hear it. Before judging everyone else though my advice would be to take a look at your own shortcomings and parenting. Believe me none of us are perfect. What works for one parent may not for another. Just as sometimes you need to parent or care for different children with a different parenting style.
Wait, there's more to be said. Please do not call me Grandma or my husband Grandpa. Do not call us by our first names to our child. We are her parents and are her Mom and Dad. Yes, kinship adoptions do change the family dynamics! We have three other grandchildren who we love very much. We reserve Grandma and Papa for them. Do not call her birth parents by their first names or talk down about them to our daughter. Doing so hurts her feelings and could cause lifelong resent. I can't believe how many people will actually ask if my older daughter is still involved or sees her? Of course she is and why would people even ask!

Do not expect things will always remain the same. Things change. Lives change. We all live busy lives. Although we try very hard to keep her involved with all her family that's not always possible. She is a very busy little girl. We do allow her to see her birth fathers family but sometimes its hard. Often I feel as though they resent us and too often I feel my daughter and her boyfriend are the in between. Another reminder that not everyone will accept your role as parents. I often feel like I need to explain myself if they ask to see her and were busy. However, this is not visitation. There wasn't a divorce situation. It was an adoption. I need to remember I can only do so much and please so many people.
I hope continuing to share our story and all the ups and downs  can put a perspective on kinship adoptions. With open communication they can be wonderful. However, I suggest making clear rules and boundaries right from the start so everyone knows what is expected. I wish we would have set those boundaries earlier on so we wouldn't be feeling stepped upon now.

After all the milestones...The hurt Moms don't talk about

Although I'm still new to the blog world a lot of the blogs I follow are new moms or issues that really interest me. To be honest, most of the blogs I read can all be classified as proud moms and the milestones their children are reaching.

I started this blog as a support system for other grandparents or family members who have adopted their grandchildren. A way to express how honored I feel and a second chance on life. Being 44 years old and raising another child. Life through my eyes. I never expected I would touch on other issues, yet I have.

What I haven't read anywhere is the hurt and despair a mom can feel beyond the milestones and into adulthood. The loneliness and loss parents feel as their children get older and move on. Heartache that doesn't seem to fade.

Having 4 children in 5 years was wonderful when they were little. They were best friends and playmates. We lived in the country and they had a close bond. One by one as they started school new friendships were introduced along with all the many activities they were involved with. We didn't always have a lot of money but I would like to say we were a close family and did everything with our children and for our children. My husband is my rock. He's not the birth father of any of the children. Having said that you would never know. He loves them more than life itself and it shows.  Rarely did we ever go anywhere without them. Our Anniversaries were even celebrated with our kids. Financially we had many great years and as well as hard times. We always tried not to let that effect our children. They always had the best of everything. The newest gadgets. The latest toys. All the newest fashions. Family vacations and even the many years at the lake.

So looking back, where did we went wrong? One by one they grow up and move on. You can about imagine how hard it can be to loose 4 children in less than 4 years. The first one was the hardest. I cried for a month. I knew in my heart this day would come and I knew he was a very responsible adult. After all, I raised him to be. So a year later when our daughter neared 18 I knew it was a matter of time. I literally made myself sick worrying about her leaving as she would be leaving along with our granddaughter. It was like loosing 2 children at the same time. So a few months later when she moved home and we later adopted the baby we joked about me going through the empty nest syndrome. A year later of course, came our youngest son. I should have been used to this by now. But I've learned it really doesn't get any easier. In fact, it gets quieter and lonelier. So here we are once again faced with the forth child, now 18 and ready to spread her wings. Again, we will be loosing not only our daughter but a granddaughter. The idea of not seeing them every day tears my heart in two. Soon enough it will just be the three of us. My husband, myself and our youngest. (Age 5) The house seems so quiet already. Its sad and lonely. Even though I know they will all be ok, I worry. And yes I miss them all.  Somewhere along the road they all grew up way too fast. This 4 bedroom home that once seemed so small is suddenly feeling too large. Time will tell.

The biggest heartache a Mom will ever know is a dispute with a child. A few days ago one of my daughters said some things that broke my heart. I noticed she has been short with me for awhile. In her eyes, we are the worst parents ever and she told me she couldn't wait until she had "gotten out of this hell hole!" Being the kind of parent I am I could have died a thousand deaths. My family and my kids are my life. To have a child say that  is something that will drive a knife through your heart. Whether she made this statement out of anger or not is now something I hold with me. I can forgive but it deeply saddens me that she feel so strongly about her life. I gave everything I had to give. Most importantly, I did the best I could. I made my children #1. I gave up my life for them. Yet apparently, it wasn't enough. Where did we go wrong?

Why is it that so many children wanted to live here? Why do our children's friends still stop by just to say hi or call and see how were doing? Yet our own child feels this was a hell hole. If we were so terrible why did she choose us to adopt her child? Instead of all the anger that's built up inside; shouldn't she be thankful. Can't a person look at the whole picture? The sacrifices we made for them? The love that we share for a little girl. Instead of her getting mad at the opportunities her child has am I wrong to think she should thank us for that love? We love that little girl so much. She is our daughter. No longer my grandchild. We still involve her in as much as she wants to be involved. She would never had this opportunity if not for us being who we are. If we made mistakes they were honest mistakes. Mistakes out of love. The ones that have made our children capable of surviving in this world today. I would like to think we raised responsible adults.

This hurt is more than a mother should ever bear.

Pregnant at 16

I always tried to be the best parent I could be. My kids grew up in the country and held a strong family bond. With having 4 kids in 5 years they were close in age and best friends. 2 boys, 2 girls. Who could ask for more. They were involved in everything. Some days I swear the car never stopped all day. We too had fallen to trying to schedule our children's days in hopes of keeping them out of trouble down the road. We wanted to give them every opportunity we'd never had. Church, Religion, Boy Scouts, Girls Scouts, Swimming Classes, Dance line, Cheer leading, Odyssey of the Mind, Little League, Football, Hockey, Wrestling, Soccer, Basketball, Gymnastics, stock car racing........ the list was never ending!!!

Summers were relaxed and focused. We spent many summers at the lake. We did plenty of fishing, hunting and camping. With old fashioned barn dances, horse back riding, biking, swimming and just plane family fun. We also traveled and took a lot of weekend get-away trips as we called them. As a family we did everything. We hunted, went skiing, snowmobiling, 4-wheeling, dirt biking.... Our kids were spoiled brats!!!
When the oldest 2 were in junior high we sold our home in the country and moved into a small town. Same school district just up the road. It was important for me to keep the kids in their same schools.

Although we gave them every opportunity we were also strict. I guess I was a bit more of a pushover than my husband but the kids were expected to follow the rules (and there were plenty). They had chores and were expected to take pride in their work and do it right the first time. We focussed on setting positive values for our children and tried to instill the importance of family and a strong sence of who they were.
I think you get the idea and I wanted to share that in the beginning as I think its an important part to my whole blog.

You see I did daycare for nearly 10 years at home and our family has been a foster family for several years. We've helped many kids and many families along the way. I always felt bad for the teens who were pregnant. I blamed in on bad parenting or a lack there of. Our own children were never allowed to date until they were 16. I never did have to worry about my boys as they were so involved with friends and work they just didn't seem to be interested.

After all our best efforts, all our years of talking to our kids about waiting and birth control and ruining their lives............ our world screethed when we found out our 16 year old daughter was pregnant! My first responce was more supportive than that of my husbands. We sat down and I stupidly said you've only been allowed to date 3 months. How did this happen??? Wow! That was a dumb question. We talked about her feelings, the babys dads feeling, their future. Basically what are your plans? Do you know all your options? She made a decission to keep the baby. She continued school, had a great pregnancy and had the baby just as her senior year was starting. I really gave her credit she went from all about her to all about that baby girl. She found out quickly that when your a teenager and pregnant you loose most of your friends. Despite it all she graduated early her senior year even with her part time job and being a mom.

At 18 she and the babys father came to us. Yes, they are still together. They asked us to adopt. They just weren't ready to be parents. We talked alot about it. Again, did they know what they'd be giving up? We accepted and asked them to come back in a few months if they still felt the same way. They had and did. We eventually and happily adopted our first grandchild.

Even though she had always lived with us it sure was different once my daughter moved out on her own and we were the ones waking up at night, we needed a daycare, moved her room closer to ours, etc. But it didn't take long and we were back in the swing of things. We tried to keep things as much as possible so not to interupt her little life for atleast a year. Her pediatrician suggested we let her figure things out and she would best adjust and she has. She now knows she has 2 mommys and 2 daddys and she's a very happy little girl. She has a great big family with lots of people who love her. We are very close to birth fathers family as well. It may seem odd to some but it works for us. Most of the time. Sometimes we feel taken advantage of or that they don't see us as her parents but all in all I think their getting used to all the changes too.

The kids sometimes say I was starting to get empty nest syndrom with the older kids getting ready to leave on their own. To be honest, I always dreaded the day the kids would all be gone. We are so honored to have this opportunity and the trust from both families to always do the best we can. She, as well as 3 more grandchildren that have since followed, keep us young. Life is meaningful and worth living everyday. Our daughter, now age 5 and in Kindergarten and I spend nearly every waking minute of the day together. We learn from each other. We do alot of things with family and we learn about traditions and old time family fun as well as all the new technolgy.

I hope you will follow us as we take our journey together and more stories on what were learning on the way.